I am nervous but I am also interested in writing again so much that I can hardly stand it and I am ready to let go of some of the fears of writing and what I mean by that is I am ready to not worry about what others may think about me and just get it out there. It has been a complete decade since I last blogged and at the time I had no idea what a blog was other than a place I could go to store my personal thoughts privately. That lasted only so long before all the wrong people were reading it and my life took a complete 180 degree turn and I was no longer interested in continuing giving so much of myself.
Ten years have passed and I have discovered a lot about myself and grown tremendously through overwhelming ups and downs. Maintaining a weight loss of 100 pounds for 10 years is something I barely give enough attention to and until recently (after turning 49) did it even click that maybe just maybe I have been successful. I am a sugar addict and still fight that lost fight daily and believe I could have lost 150 if it wasn't for my continued sugar consumption.
My children are now grown adults and doing very well considering the world we live in today. They have already surpassed where I was at their ages as far as character and esteem as well as just being well rounded, empathetic beings. Below is my last post from my old blog and I will continue to do a side by side updating my progress or decline whatever it may be as I strive to progress through life.
My mind is screaming at me constantly to write. WRITE! I have so many different thoughts running through my head at the same time almost all of the time and I need to separate it all and make some sense of it. I don't want to miss a thing and if no one ever reads a word of it during my lifetime I hope to leave my children some insight as to who their mother is and a place for them to maybe discover a little about themselves in the process. This blog is not for any specific person to read, it is for anyone, it is for everyone and I hope to spread a positive message as I go.
As I listen to my inner voice telling me to check up on myself I am going to dive back in to this brain and dig around for what is blocking me from moving forward with the success and progressive route I choose to live in. It is never good to stagnate or become complacent.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I lay in bed last night thinking about how it is that I do most of my thinking while lying in bed. My words that I use to come here and share seem to wave over me as I lie reflecting on the days events. Wishing at times that I had the strength to get up and start writing as the thoughts come. At that time though I am floating somewhere between consciousness and dream land. In and out of thought. Why and, for how long have I had this in me to write? I don't know. Wanting to, but never having done it for lack of time and interest in my own personal well being. This is my counsel I can look back and see how I have grown. I am not alone in this project.
Putting all of this out here for everyone to read is humbling for me in a way that I feel I am baring my soul at times. To the point that when I go back months and read my post I am still amazed at the amount of honesty I was able to give. So many times when I write I know what I am going to write about but don't have the words. I just start and not until I am finished and go back to proof it do I see the words for the first time. Where are they from? Who is writing this? I couldn't have or more so, I wouldn't have shared THAT much about myself. Feeling stripped naked for the world to read. Humbled. I mull over the words not sure whether or not I should actually post it or not. Press publish post is all I have to do. Just click it. Some daysI can't. Some days I haven't. There are still a few I have left in the draft section or just deleted.
My blog has relieved me of a lot of guilt I have carried around for a long long time. Finding myself in a little bit of a panic when I hear about the next person to read my blog. Almost like a child revealing his artwork to adults for the first time. Feeling shy and timid wanting praise, not expecting it though. Getting better at receiving the compliments that come my way. Never having been very good at anything, mostly for lack of trying, this is new to me and finding the self worth and self esteem required to receive the compliments has been a task. Getting better at it though. Something in me feels as if I still do not deserve the compliments. Does that ever get easier. I feel like a putz.
Learned from my mother. I know it! I can remember the praise my mother would get for all of her talents and I can still see her bowing out with a sheepish smile like a Geisha. Knowing her work was absolutely amazing but not confident enough to take ownership of it. She could have been Martha Stewart if she had just gained the confidence she needed to own the craft she has. That is neither here nor there now. Just recognizing that for me is big. Figuring out how to change it will be huge. I am not there. Yet.
No matter what I will continue. For now I kinda just pretend you are not really out there looking. This is for me. This is for you. This is for my family. This is for my future.
This is from God.