Wednesday, December 31, 2008
I am happy to be saying goodbye to this cold hard year and am ready for new beginnings, so it seems like the perfect opportunity for me to set my new path with a brand new year. Although I try to live my life without regrets and truly believe that every thing does happen for a reason even if you don't understand it at the moment that does not make it any easier to experience the bad times that I have endured in 2008. Wash it away?...but..should I? Need I forget the pain? Need I forget the teetering on the edge that made me change my life for the better? I don't think I should for fear of reliving the same mistakes. I couldn't bear it.
So goodbye 2008. Goodbye all the tears. Goodbye all the fears. Goodbye letting the world pass me by. Goodbye resentment and pain tomorrow is a brand new day and I look forward to making my own destiny .
Heres to love and life, friends old and new. Heres to getting up and out and seeing the small piece of world I have been neglecting. Heres to happy children and a happy mama and daddy. I welcome this new year with open arms.
Happy New Year ....welcome 2009
Saturday, April 13, 2019
Little did I know at the time I was writing this that New Year's Eve that my life was about to change forever in a way I never saw coming. I was so happy to read this blog that I posted on the last day of 2008 noting that although I had experienced abandonment and infidelity again in my marriage, I remained positive that things would look up. I am still that person today and sometimes to a fault. I believe in humanity and will continue to be shocked each time I am betrayed. I want to believe in the good in people and that people have a conscience. I had been through so much with my family and was completely worn out by this time in my life.
I had been on a weight loss journey for about 5 months and had already lost about 60 lbs and was beginning to see the things that had been so clouded by me masking my feelings with food. I am an overeater among many other addictive personalities but, eating got me real bad. I weighed at my heaviest 318 pounds. and I was completely out of control for a very long time. Me and Little Debbie were like Thelma and Louise taking that last ride off the cliff, everyday, over and over, until I was unrecognizable. So there I sat trying to salvage a marriage (again) and lose weight while raising 3 kids and working full time and barely treading water in a pool of desperation, needless to say I had to cut some people loose as I was drowning. Skip to today...ten years later.
What I have found out about all the pain and suffering I went through that year was that "No" you can not forget or wash it away, drink it away, eat it away, shop away, or sex away the memory of continued betrayal. All of those terrible behaviors kept me in a constant state of never getting ahead in life. Always being a victim of my circumstance, my dumb mistakes.
The relief from those vices are temporary and self destructive and I had already been doing that for years when, somehow, I saw myself and grabbed what little esteem I had left and decided to get the fat off of me and start writing about it. Fix it for good was my goal so I could be strong enough to get the fuck out of there and take the hit that was to accompany a divorce. We set a year goal for me to lose weight (to save the marriage) and him to choose to be a more active father. I met my goal of 100 lbs lost in a year and he had done nothing to meet his part of the deal, so I left...him...pissed.
Because damn, I looked good and he was trying to feel that but, with no regard to the fact that I was me still. I had been in that body that was too big for everything and had to struggle through the judgement and criticism for many years and so now when you wanted me I wasn't really about it. May have something to do with what I did not lose when I lost the weight...my memory.
I survived the past 10 years raising my two children with a custody agreement that included zero child support, 50/50 custody, and destroyed credit. ( part of "the hit") I look back and wish I had done things differently than I did, during all the trying to smooth over a divorce with young children so you agree to things that just aren't fair. Having signed papers to be bought out of our home for $2,500.00 was probably the dumbest thing I have ever done and I need to write that down. Whatever.
Today I maintain a 100 pound weight loss and am in a loving and committed relationship with another man whom I do not share these same issues with. I still have to write about this though because it is a part of my story and we will be moving on from that soon as once I got divorced that man was no longer my problem and I gladly moved on.
I have gained and lost weight throughout this decade but somehow sit comfortably at the 100 lb weight loss mark. I am okay with that as I am eating a bag of Munchos right now greasing up my keyboard cover and enjoying it. I am not perfect and I do not strive for perfection. Do I need to lose more? Yes..that is why I am here, don't judge. I expect soon I won't have Munchos.
I am in discovery mode all the time and also on high alert for an addiction, old or new that might try to join my daily activities. I am not up for it anymore. I need balance and that is what I strive for mostly in my relationships with others and my own personal self.
Feeling excited about the process of leveling up again by updating this old blog and digging into some dark subject matter that I have experienced and survived. Follow along with me.