As I sit here sipping at my giant Dr. Pepper after promising myself last night that I was going to stop sugar today I admit that I have failed once again. Another day drinking most of my calories which makes it pretty hard to lose an ounce of weight no matter the food choices I am making, and I know it. I know that sugar has kept me in the yo-yo life of weight loss, weight gain and plateaus for several decades and most of the time weight gain comes out a winner.
I am coming up on another jab at quitting and really need to commit to cleaning out my system of sugar, thereby stopping all of the cravings that come along with it. It does not feel great to give it up and I usually suffer from headaches, fatigue and irritability for several days, as well as being super moody about the lack of sugar due to the psychological effects caused by this addiction.
Sugar is a drug, and my past proves that I have been addicted to some type of drug for a long time and I know that sugar is my first drug of choice and most likely my last.
Being a child of the 70's when sugar was sugar and candy bars were harmless, as well as my parents and yours being lied to by the WHO about the effects of sugar and obesity, I loved sugar! Fun Dip, Wax Bottles, Candy Cigarettes, Big League Chew, BlowPops, Hubba Bubba, Bubbalicious, Now&Laters were all my jam as a child and things did not get much better as an adult. After going through a struggle bus life of drugs and alcohol I got sober and gained 100+ pounds recovering. I consumed every fattening sugary substance I could get my hands on causing huge problems with my health such a extreme fatigue, obesity, dumping syndrome, irritable bowel syndrome, water retention, emotional issues, relationship failures, gallbladder removal surgery, and depression. It took me a long time to figure out that sugar was causing this. I hated myself for so long that I would sabotage situations and isolate in order to not have to put my overly large self in front of others. Closet eating is a real thing minus the closet but, yeah I lied about almost half of what I put in my mouth to anyone that was interested. If left to my story alone my obesity was a mystery but in reality I was in bed with Little Debbie in my 30's while raising children and we had a sultry affair that did not end well. I still see her at the store sometimes. We don't speak.
In the past I have been a member of OA online and in real life meetings trying to figure out why I get satisfaction gorging on food. I never really found out but I was able to get some understanding that I have to be in control and be accountable to myself about what goes in and why. There was a minute where I was almost a qualifier for weight loss surgery and I just needed a few more points on my BMI for insurance to cover. My solution was to gain to those two points. That was lunacy and I was out of control at the time buying into multiple weight loss companies such as Quick Weight Loss, LA Weight Loss, Weight Watchers and multiple weight loss clinics. Destroying my credit and maxing out credit cards along the way I was desperate and it showed. I lost and gained a few hundred pounds through these programs and ultimately ended up the heaviest I had ever been at 38 weighing in at 318 pounds of me naked af.
Being that large comes with a lot of difficulties some of which are obvious to people like getting up from the floor or not being able to squeeze into a tight space. What people do not realize and neither did I, but dealt with, is that arms don't grow when you gain weight. Reaching becomes difficult at times whether it was showering the right places on your body and realizing you can no longer get to that part and having to come up with ways of compensating or trying to buckle a seatbelt knowing it won't fit or locks up as soon as you click it because you used too much of the belt. Going to a wedding and trying to find which little wooden chair I could sit in that wouldn't snap under the pressure of my weight. No longer fitting in a roller coaster seat or even dare try it in order to avoid the shame. Only being able to have sex in one position is another thing that happened and not admitting or addressing it was just another stage of the denial I was living in. Things were real bad and I was in the middle of a years long addiction that I thought was recovery from hard drugs. Breaking toilet seats under my weight was so embarrassing but I still had zero control of my food intake. It completely controlled me.
I put myself through a lot of undue torture trying to find a reason I was like this and many wasted years tearing myself down not knowing what to do. It seems so easy for everyone else and I did not know anyone that sabotaged themselves the way I have therefore I sought out answers through meetings with others like me. It is like having a split personality and having as many hopes and dreams as you would like on one side and the other more dominant side likes things all by itself with you and food. It sucks and I can not think of a time in my life that I have not had this conversation with myself debating on what I want vs. what it needs. It has always seemed to win.
Skipping ahead to today I still eat Skittles and M&M's, Twix and Kit Kat. I added chocolate like all good adults should but the sugar I consume on the daily is outrageous. Fountain drinks are a vice I have to let go of right away as I believe that the drinking of all of the sugar filled empty calories are the gateway for me to search for more sugar throughout the day. Tomorrow is another day and I will again seek freedom from the clutches of being overweight and addicted to sugar. I am getting better and maintain at a hundred pounds of weight lost. I am still about 75 pounds overweight according to my height and I am working on it everyday. Unfortunately the work I have to do to just maintain is overwhelming and all consuming for my mind that it becomes enough. Work in progress.